


An Actual Courtroom

by WomanofAMillionObssessions (kenmaxwell)



Category: Original Work
Genre: Carman - Freeform, Courtroom Drama, I Don't Even Know, Songfic, This Is STUPID, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-13
Updated: 2019-08-13
Packaged: 2020-08-20 22:16:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20235256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kenmaxwell/pseuds/WomanofAMillionObssessions
Summary: The Devil and Jesus try their hand at being human lawyers





	An Actual Courtroom

**Author's Note:**

> So this is based on an old Carman song called The Courtroom, and I tried to imagine how it would actually go if the devil and Jesus tried this as human lawyers. 
> 
> I don't know a whole lot about courtroom stuff, so this may be a little wonky.
> 
> Go look up "Carman Courtroom". It's so much.

Bailiff: All rise! This Civil court is now in session, the Honorable Judge Benyamin Lewinsky presiding over The State of Idaho v. Brankenlanken.

Judge: Mr. Brankenlanken, you have been charged with adultery,slander, libel, petty theft, possession of illegal drugs, public drunkenness, and one moving violation. How do you plead?

Brankenlanken: Guilty, Your Honor.

Judge: The court will first hear opening statements from Counselor Lucas D’Inferno. Please. 

Counselor D’inferno:

Your Honor, you see this worthless piece of trash over here—

Judge: Order! Counselor, please refrain from personal attacks.

  
Counselor D’inferno:

Er…This one is a sinner--criminal to the core! 

This one's committed adultery, cursed his neighbors, stolen money, 

been into drugs, alcohol And even more! 

This hopeless wretch—er…the defendant has even slandered friends!   
And by the guilty face, this courtroom can tell 

that through immoral certainty beyond any reasonable doubt, 

the defendant deserves eternal Judgement in Hell!

(A long silence.)

Judge: …these are very…emphatic accusations, Counselor. Also, let the court be reminded that the defendant has already pled guilty to these charges. And that this is misdemeanor court. So-called “eternal judgement in hell” would furthermore be in direct and gross violation of the 8 th Amendment.

Counselor: Duly noted, Your Honor.

Judge: Are you ready to present evidence?

Counselor: Yes, Your Honor! Permission to approach the bench?

Judge: Permission granted.

(At this point, the counselor hands the bailiff a gray folder.)

Counselor: Exhibit A: A record of Mr. Brankenlanken’s offenses.

(The bailiff hands the folder to the judge, who flips through the first pages of the record with a puzzled look on his face)

Judge: Er… Counselor, are you aware that this “record” is simply a list of the charges that, as I said, have already been placed against the defendant?

Counselor: Yes, Your Honor.

Judge: I can already tell where this is going, but the court will hear the defense regardless. Defense Attorney Yeshua Bar-Yosef, please begin your defense. 

(The Judge turns his head to the defense side, but the DA has disappeared)

Judge: Mr. Bar-Yosef?

(There is a voice from behind the entrance of the courtroom, presumably the DA.)

Voice: One moment, Your Honor…

(muffled, from somewhere outside the courtroom)ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COURTROOM!

  
...Is the one and only Son of God, revealed in time and space   
And he's your defense attorney who has never lost a case!

(At this point, the presiding judge and the bailiff look at one another quizzically)   
It's not Buddha, Muhammad or Krishna, or any others who succumbed to death!   
Ladies and gentlemen, on the other side of The Courtroom is Jesus Christ of Nazareth!

(The DA bursts through the doors of the courtroom, startling audience members closest to him, and he grandly steps down the aisle to the defense side, boom box held aloft, where the defendant has hidden his face. DA Bar-Yosef adjusts his collar so that it frames his chin and begins his defense, as it were…)

  
DA:   
Now wait a minute, Your Honor, 

I got something to say!   
May I remind you that on a cross, 2,000 years ago,   
I washed his sins away?

I was crucified, I died, they put me in the tomb,

But about the midnight hour 

the power of God hit me, And I walked out of that grave   
Alive and well, with resurrection power!

(The DA spins around once, just barely manages to keep from falling over, and shuts off the boom box, looking quite proud of himself. Prosecution looks flabbergasted)

(At this point Judge Lewinsky is trying, and failing, to stifle his laughter, and there are loud snickers heard in the courtroom.)

Judge: So, ah…Mr. Bar-Yosef, your defense is… that you died and came back to life?

DA: Yes, Your Honor!

(The Judge composes himself)

Judge: I…I don’t know what to say. I do know that neither the prosecution nor the defense appear to be taking this trial seriously—

D’Inferno: It’s in the book! Check the book!

Judge: Counselor D’Inferno, please remain quiet or I will be forced to hold you in contempt! As for you, Mr. bar-Yosef, I have never seen such egregious grandstanding in my time on this bench! It is clear to me that neither the prosecution nor the defense have any business representing any entity in a court of law. Mr. Brankenlanken, on the record, I’d like to apologize for the idiocy to which you’ve found yourself subjected in this courtroom today. I will request that the State reimburse you for any and all legal fees you may have accrued.

Brankenlanken: Thank you, your Honor.

Judge: This case is dismissed. I’ll also need to ask the bar association to review these morons’ licenses…


End file.
